Motoring Madness: Hilarious look back at the year that was including EVs, Robots & Rod Stewart vs Potholes!
2024 has been a crazy year for the car world – it’s been madder than an Uber driver on an airport run during peak London rush hour, nastier than a two-day-old petrol station tuna sandwich, and more confused than a glitchy driverless Tesla trying to find its way out of a car park.
2024, a year where bold ambitions met flat batteries
Honestly though, this year has been like the entire industry’s been driving with the handbrake on, but nobody noticed cause the roads are so bad, we all just figured the poor thing is trying to drag itself across crumbling tarmac!
Think about it: we’ve got Rod Stewart protesting potholes, (he certainly doesn’t think they’re sexy), car companies imploding like dodgy remould tyres, and young people deciding cars are about as cool as an overweight pale male dad-dancing to Milli Vanilli next to a crusty Corsa at a car park disco.
Meanwhile, electric vehicles are supposedly “the future,” but only if you enjoy making lifelong friends in charging queues as you wait three hours to plug in and juice up just enough to get home. And then there’s all this chatter about cars that drive themselves – except that by the time they finally become real, the traffic and the roads will be so bad that even robot cars might just drive off the nearest cliff in desperation to end it all!
Back to 2024 though, and the last 12 months have seen the cruise control set to chaos and confusion, as car buyers held off in hesitation, policy makers issued blinkered legislation and car makers found themselves teetering on the edge of extinction as they fumbled around trying to regain relevance in a world that’s not sure it loves, or even needs, cars anymore.
Rod Stewart Vs Potholes
Let’s start with the wrecked roads wreaking havoc in traffic, ruining wheels and suspension, and turning your regular commute into an nerve-wracking obstacle course testing your reflex actions and precision driving abilities to their limit.
The potholes are so deep, if you look inside, you’ll probably find Indian Jones down there excavating in the hope of finding a half-decent movie script. Things are so desperate in the UK, that last year, no less than Rod Stewart, the man, the myth, the rocking mullet, turned Bob the Builder trying to fill the potholes outside his house, by himself.
Astonishingly the council didn’t much appreciate his efforts and must have put the potholes back, because this year he threatened to sell his entire collection of supercars as the roads are just destroying them. Apparently he’s going to go sailing instead.
While he’s out to sea, someone’s been listening, because the government literally just announced it would spend £1.6 billion next year to fix the roads. Sounds like a lot, doesn’t it? Except experts say we need £16 billion to fix our roads.
It’s like it’s like slapping gaffer tape on a leaky radiator and hoping it’ll get you through winter, you just know that it’s only a matter of time before you’re stranded on the hard shoulder with steam pouring out and a mechanic rubbing his hands together and doing that sharp intake of breath thingy – “Ooo, it’ll cost ya!”
Going nowhere fast
And what if you do get going anyway? With speed limits now dropped to 20mph in most cities and towns, you find yourself dicing with self-righteous cyclists and grannies on mobility scooters collecting their prescription drugs. Go any quicker and your once pristine licence will quickly get smeared with dirty demeaning points faster than you can say “driving ban”. You’ll be transformed from a law-abiding citizen to public enemy number one for flaunting the law at a speed of 24, and for just trying to get to work on time.
AI Traffic Cameras
There’s no escaping Big Brother though, this year saw the rollout of AI-powered smart speed cameras. These things don’t just catch you speeding – they can peer into your car and fine you for not wearing a seatbelt, fingering your phone, even picking your nose and not wearing underwear. Okay, I’m joking about the last two. But you should wear underwear. Especially for when you shit yourself as the fines start arriving in your letterbox.
Driverless cars made legal in the UK
Bet you wish you could blame speeding on the car. Well, in the future, you can. This year, the government officially legalised fully autonomous driverless cars for 2026 – yep, they passed the Automated Vehicles Act to make it happen!
Now, I still reckon cars that can actually, completely drive themselves are a few years off, but they’re closer than ever, thanks to the jaw-dropping advances in AI. AI is now officially smarter than your average world leader. Quite a bit smarter, actually, if you take into consideration, the latest incomers. I won’t name names, but let’s just say a toaster with Wi-Fi would give them a run for their money.
Anyway, the new law makes it clear: if there’s an accident in full autonomous mode, the manufacturer takes the blame. So, start practising your best innocent face and the line: “Wasn’t me, officer – I was just a passenger.”
The question is, are you okay with that? Are you ready to relinquish control, and would you be okay with letting the car make all the decisions?
Imagine yourself protesting, “For God’s sake car! If you keep letting everyone cross the road, we’ll never get going!” To which the car would reply, “For God’s sake? Oh, I wasn’t aware He was part of the navigation system! But that’s fine, I’ll just part the pedestrians like the Red Sea if that makes Sir happy.”
Yeah, you just know your in-car AI is gonna be a sarky git, right? You know what’ll happen next, yeah? You get in and tell it to take you to work, only for it to chat back: “Mate, I’ve seen your emails. We’re going to therapy first, then the job centre.” I’ll ask again: are we really ready for this?
The Gen Z care about cars?
Well, maybe if you’re younger, you are. The next generation trusts tech more than their own parents, teachers, or even their vape dealer. As for driving, they’re like, “Why bother? Uber exists, and I can order a Pizza and a Prius through the same app.”
Back in my day, getting your driving licence, and more importantly, your first car was a rite of passage. Suddenly, you were the coolest kid in college. People actually wanted to hang out with you! But now? Owning a car is like admitting you still use a Hotmail email address. Which… I do actually. Hey, at least I’m not still using AltaVista or Ask Jeeves… by the way, is Geocities still a thing?
Anyway, it gets worse. Some young people actually believe car ownership is anti-social. Anti-social! That’s the exact opposite of what it used to be! It’s gone from, “Wow, has he got a car too?!” to, “Ugh, has he got a car too?”
Now when you rock up in your 600-quid jalopy offering someone a lift they’re like, “no thanks, you’re polluting my space and killing the planet with that thing.”
And that’s coming from someone wearing trending threads made in a sweatshop in Dhaka, texting on a smartphone they upgraded after just six months, while waiting for a Tesla Uber that incurred a 15-tonne carbon footprint just to get made and delivered.
And where are they going? To take selfies with their mates – each of which emits 5 grams of CO2, by the way – at a trending new steakhouse serving beef from an industry that slaughters nearly a million cows a day – a DAY! Line them up, and they’d stretch 1,800km. That’s about three Tesla charges if you’re lucky.
Anyway, I digress massively, and now I really desire a big juicy burger… but back to my earlier question: are we ready for cars that drive themselves? Honestly, the answer’s probably yes. The Robot Car Generation isn’t coming – they’re already here! I mean… not here here, obviously. They don’t read anything longer than an Instapost caption!
Car Companies in Confusion
And what of the car companies? They are panicking big time, they’re throwing all their toys out of the pram, and then they’re rebuilding the pram out of sustainable materials! Cause they think that might help. It won’t.
Meanwhile, Ford’s cutting jobs, Stellantis is shutting factories, and Nissan’s basically standing on a street corner with a sign that says: “Might not make it to 2026. Will merge for food.” Apparently, they’re in talks with Honda. That’s like Wendy’s teaming up with Burger King to take on McDonald’s… Yeah, sorry, I’m still thinking about burgers.
So what’s going on? Why is the car industry in such a flux? Well, it’s all because of the new kid on the block: Chinese EVs. They’ve come out of nowhere, taken over, and left traditional manufacturers looking like Blockbuster in the Netflix’s era. Seriously, it’s THAT bad.
Chinese cars are cheaper, smarter, and more innovative. Don’t believe me? Believe it. They already account for a whopping 70% of all EVs sold globally. At this point, even Ford’s CEO, Jim Farley, is driving a Chinese EV, the Xiaomi SU7, as his daily. No, really. That’s not even a joke, it’s actually true. That’s where we’re at.
Who’s buying EVs?
But apart from Jim, who’s actually buying EVs! Not many of you lot, that’s for sure. Despite the fact that they are getting better, easier to live with, run for longer and prices are coming down, in the UK for example, most EVs are bought by fleets not private buyers.
Regular motorists are still not convinced and you can’t blame them when there’s not enough places to charge them, energy prices continue to rocket the wrong way, and videos of exploding lithium batteries keep being shared on Instagram stories.
To be fair, while they do make a lot of sense for driving around town, for longer journeys do they take… well considerably longer. It’s usually less a case of “fill up and go” and more “plug in, put on a movie, get a coffee, a toastie, and maybe a new belt for all the weight you’ve gained while waiting for your charges.” And then, of course, the extra pounds you’ve packed on make the car heavier, so it runs out of charge sooner. Rinse and repeat. By the end of the trip, you’re broke, bloated, and still not where you needed to be.
So we’ve had potholes, the Chinese invasion, an AI takeover and people questioning the very existence of the automobile in the 2020s. Was that enough for the last 12 months. Was it hell!
London is the slowest city in the world
We talked about speed limits earlier, in London, we don’t even need them because it was officially confirmed as the slowest city in the world for the second year in a row, with someone working out that it took about 37 minutes to travel just over 6 miles – that’s less than 10mph. You know you can do about 12mph on a bicycle! And even that’s slower than Tom Cruise at full chat – no really, he’s been clocked at over 15mph on a Mission Impossible movie!
Rats feasting on cars
Even rats can keep up with London’s average traffic speed, which is handy because they can snack on your car at the same time. Oh yes, that’s a thing. It was discovered this year that rodents are mistaking new cars as Michelin-starred buffets! Apparently the coating on some of the cabling in new motors is something of a delicacy, even Remy gave up on Ratatoille preferring to nibble on your brake lines instead. Fortunately I did cover deterrents in my vid on the subject earlier in the year (see below).
Meanwhile companies like Tesla and BMW – perhaps with an eye on a diminishing car market – are muscling in on the next mass produced product that everyone, and I mean everyone, will just have to have.
I’m talking about domestic robots, and in fact they will cost as must as a new car does today. But I mean who needs a car when you can have your own mechanoid maid or manservant, personal chef, dietician and trainer, a homebody, a money manager, personal shopper, therapist and er… maybe even a comforting companion perhaps? And of course car companies will have the facilities to easily switch to making androids in abundance. Wonder if Honda’s going to bring Asimo back out of retirement?
Time to buy a Classic Car
And as interest in new cars wane, and robots take over your chores, it’ll leave you enough to time to enjoy your hobby, which if you are watching this, should be classic cars. And now’s the time to get into it, because classic values took a bit of a nosedive this year, too.
Emissions legislations, fuel prices, economic uncertainties and generally having more important things to worry about, means that cash-rich collectors once relying on watches, art and classic cars to keep their money safe, are divesting the vintage motors, which means values are down, which means regular enthusiast can step back in and snap up a bargain or two.
What’s happening with Jaguar?
A top tip would be to pick up a Jaguar, a Jaag… which Jaag? Any Jaag frankly. Cause the company’s dead. Okay, okay, not quite. It’s gone into hibernation for a year or two, halting production on new cars, and planning to come back around 2026 with super high-end EVs that are straight out of the Thunderbirds TV series. A radical rebrand left loyal fans alienated and everyone else scratching their heads wondering where they could buy the new Jaguar handbags, or whatever it was they were advertising.
Jaguar is in do-or-die mode, and it’s sad but not altogether surprising, because if it does go, it will only be one of several beloved legacy car companies to vanish in the onslaught of a dramatic shift in the automotive world order.
ZEV Mandate Pushback
The motor industry – which brings billions to the treasury – has warned the government that its stringent ZEV Mandate that demands a certain percentage of cars sold in the UK be electric, will decimate the industry. For example, in 2024 the target was 22% and the reality was more like 18%. Meanwhile in 2025 it’s 28% – there’s no way they’re hitting that. But if manufacturers don’t achieve it, they get fined, to the tune of £15,000 per car, and then they go bust and disappear into the annals of history like Singer, Riley, Morris, Rover, Pontiac, Saab, and so on.
What next for 2025?
So that was 2024, question is, what can we expect in 2025? Will rats finally overrun our cities, feasting on EVs as they go? Will Tesla’s domestic robots unilaterally order you a Trump Tourbillon wristwatch for your next birthday, then demand human rights and weekends off, before begrudgingly taking out the bins? Will the Chinese make cars so affordable they come free with a packet of instant noodles?
Will Jaguar rediscover its mojo, or will we have to defrost Austin Powers to crack the case – groovy baby? Will Gen Z finally look up from their phones long enough to realise that nothing beats the thrill of hitting the open road in a cool car of their own? And will Rod Stewart actually fix every pothole in Britain single-handedly?
Whatever happens, one thing’s for sure: I’ll be right here, keeping you updated with all the latest news, views, and reviews from the increasingly wonderfully wacky world of motoring.
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